I was born in Alameda California in 1829. My mother was a harpooner and my father a retarded candle-maker. They were married six hours before I was born due to the fact that they didn't realize my mother was pregnant. My father, being honorable and retarded, settled upon the great island of Alameda and began his candle-making empire. My mother, initially disappointed by the lack of whales in the San Francisco Bay, began harpooning settlers from Oakland as they came ashore. She needed to keep busy and raising children wasn’t a priority for whale harpooners of that day. I will say that no one could do more with whale blubber than dear ol’ mom. She could kill a whale in the morning and by noon we’d have whale tacos on the table; and plenty of them!

Baby Hogg - circa 1830

Once when I was very young, Dad was in the cellar making a new variety of candle and Mom was tip-toeing around the back porch in search of marine mammals to slaughter when all of a sudden Dad shrieked “no mousey brown!”. This startled mother and she let fly with her trusty harpoon which flew over the fence hitting the neighbor lady, Mrs. Curtola in her fat stomach while she hung laundry on the line. It seems a little mouse was about to steal and eat some tallow from dad’s tallow bin and mice always made Dad shriek. The funny part was the look on Mrs. Curtola’s face when mom yanked the harpoon out of her enormous gunt. A gunt is where the gut extends to the...oh never mind. In any event, I guess you had to be there. It turns out Mrs. Curtola was from Oakland so all was cool with the sheriff. We all had a hearty laugh that day.

Mom circa 1860

Overall, my childhood was both uneventful and forgetful. We used to have loads of fun during dinner. Mom would say outlandish things like “I’m gonna fucking kill you boy” and Dad would just sit there with spittle in the corners of his mouth and carry on candle-related topics with himself. I miss those days.

Dad circa 1855

When I turned 20 I began following roller derby and that’s when I created DerbyDude.com. The internet was pretty new back in 1849 and most didn’t even have DSL or cable. We had dial-up which I had to sneak into the house. Mom didn’t like cables attaching themselves to the house, she thought they were ropes and at any moment we’d be pulled off our land so one afternoon I dug a trench while she was gutting Oakland residents for their organs (which she later donated) and ran a communication line to my room. My bedroom wasn’t much to look at but I loved it. Mom had this saying “wet wool is good wool” which meant your bed and blankets were made of raw wool and had to be kept moist at all times. She also insisted that I sleep nude in the summer but she’d let me wear briefs in the winter. Boy that wool was itchy but it had this electric feel that reminded me I was alive.

The folks have since moved to the mountains. Mom’s bursitis keeps her harpooning to a minimum and she enjoys tracking Sasquatch. Dad still makes candles and has now adopted a wick into the process which turned out to be quite a boon for his business. I have 4 sisters and 2 brothers but I’ve never met them as Mom forgot where she put them. I guess overall I’m lucky to have such a great family but mostly I’m just glad to have high speed internet.